Sitka the Nose Biter

Mario Alexander’s first day of middle school was so stressful and agonizing that he kept his head hung low in sorrow throughout his entire walk home. Upperclassmen taunted and teased him. His sadistic teachers overloaded him with homework. All Mario wanted to do was go home, plop down on his bed, and cry the night away with nobody to talk to.

As he carried on through a grass field, he was already feeling the effects of being worn out at school. His legs were sore, his feet were tired, and his neck ached from the roughing up he took. Mario figured this would be a good time to have a seat against a tree and begin the late night schedule of crying early.

He found an elderly tree with a skirt of leaves around the base to park his rear-end against. He dropped his backpack and did just that. With his face buried in his knees and arms, he sobbed softly to himself and let the tears cleanse his stressed out soul.

Just when Mario thought he was alone, he heard an older woman’s voice call out to him in a diva-like manner. “Oh, for heaven’s sake, child, find your own tree to bawl your eyes out to. This is my home, you little pest.”

Mario picked up his head and scanned around the forest to find the source of the voice. Though the voice itself was harsh and demeaning, the source was the cutest thing he had ever seen. It was a fluffy gray cat with a witch’s hat, a witch’s cape, and mystical eyes that sparkled like topazes.

Seeing this beautiful kitty turned Mario’s sorrowful tears into those of happiness and love. A huge smile formed on his face as he yelled, “Kitty!” before tackling the little girl and cuddling her in his arms. “Cute, cuddly kitty-pie! I want to snuggle with you forever! I want to take you home with me and let you sleep on my pillow!”

“This is so undignified,” said the humiliated witch kitty. No matter how hard she struggled, she couldn’t escape the loving clutches of this once heartbroken middle school student. Once Mario made the mistake of cooing too loudly in her ear, she took a huge chomp out of his nose, making a cartoon-like honking sound akin to a goose or a bicycle horn.

Mario stood up and rubbed his strawberry red nose in disbelief while the witch kitty said, “If you ever try something like that again, I’ll bite your nose even harder! Now get out of my forest before I turn you into a newt!”

The saddened student didn’t do as he was told. Instead he dropped to his knees, bowed his head, and soaked the leaves with his tears. When he first got to this forest, his sobs were soft and gentle. This time they were much harder and much more heartbreaking to listen to.

“Stop that! Stop your blubbering this instant or I’ll unleash a horde of spiders upon you!” warned the vicious witch kitty. Mario didn’t stop crying. “I mean it, young man!” The crying still didn’t stop. As if he didn’t learn from his first encounter with her, Mario scooped the witch kitty in his arms once again. One of his tears landed on the cute cuddly feline’s furry chest.

Instead of making useless threats, the witch kitty said, “Oh, alright, we can cuddle if you want.” Mario leaned back against the tree while the witch kitty put her fuzzy paws around his neck in the world’s cutest hug. “I still think this is ridiculous.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that…I had a hard day at school. Nobody would be friends with me. I don’t want to go back!” said Mario as he continued to sob in the witch kitty’s fur.

“Why don’t you give those kids a good one-two-buckle-my-shoe right in the nose?” suggested the witch kitty as she motioned boxing punches with her fuzzy paws.

“I don’t want to make any more trouble than I already have,” said a dejected Mario, whose tears were drying up while he held this precious witch kitty. He asked her, “What’s your name, little sweetie?”

“I am Sitka the Nose Biter. And I am not a sweetie.”

“Oh, you’re just saying that because you’re in a bad mood. That’s okay. I’m in a bad mood too. I’m Mario, by the way. Mario Alexander.”

“Nice to meet you, Mario. And yes, I am in a bad mood. Then again, I’m always in a bad mood. You say nobody at that school will be friends with you? Try being a talking cat with magic powers who can’t get adopted. You can do something about your situation. Me? I’m probably going to stay out here forever.”

Mario wiped whatever was left of his tears with his index finger and asked Sitka, “Would you like to come home with me? I have a soft bed you can sleep on and good things to eat.”

Sitka made a flat tire noise to dismiss his question and said, “Yeah, good luck with that. I may look like a cute little puffball, but I’m just a mean old witch in the end. All the magic in the world can’t save me from everyone’s wicked stares. And here I thought hats were supposed to look cute on cats like me.”

“What if we worked together? What if we were there for each other? We could be best friends forever! Nobody will hurt us again! Come on, give it a try!” suggested an excited Mario.

“It’s never going to happen, Mario. You wouldn’t understand,” said Sitka. This harsh rejection caused the kid to hang his head even further.

“Well, well, look what we’ve got here! How are you doing, little squirt?! You got any more money for me?! You’d better not be holding out on me!” said an obnoxious teenaged voice. Mario and Sitka turned around and saw a much larger kid in a football jersey and blue jeans staring down at them.

“What, are you going to cry again? Are you going to cry, little boy? Come on, sweet baby Mario, cry for me! Cry like the little girly boy you are!” taunted the pain in the butt teenager.

“Excuse me for a minute while I deal with this moron,” said Sitka. She disappeared into a pink cloud before reappearing with her fluffy arms around the bully’s neck. Just like her namesake dictated, she took a huge bite out of the bully’s nose and made it honk like a horn. The bully yelled in pain while Sitka disappeared into another pink cloud and this time landed on Mario’s shoulder.

“You two are so dead!” yelled the football jerk as he sprinted toward the devious duo for revenge. Instead Sitka hissed at him and sprayed purple dust in his face. After the bully was done coughing and the dust cleared, he found little critters crawling all over his football jersey. Spiders, mice, and even frogs were covering this menacing jerk and he could do nothing but scream like a girl and dance around.

“Get ‘em off of me! Get ‘em off of me, you freak!” yelled the bully. He danced around while attempting to brush the creatures off and tripped over a stick, landing smoothly on his posterior.

As Mario and Sitka the Nose Biter laughed at the bully’s plight, the critters disappeared into purple dust and the “tough guy” got up to run away while yelling, “You guys are freaks! Leave me alone!”

The sneaky duo wrapped their arms around each other and cuddled while Sitka purred in Mario’s ear. She said, “Is that offer to go home and school with you still open?”

“You can stay with me for as long as you’d like, Sitka-Pie!” said an overly happy Mario. They walked home together in each other’s arms like two best friends. They didn’t care what the world thought of them. They were going to be best friends for life whether anybody liked it or not.