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Garrison-Kelly

Garrison the Barbarian
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…Alright, look…I’m not going to bullshit you guys. The month of March in 2024 has been absolute dogshit for me. I’m grateful to get off of Risperidone, but there’s a price to pay for doing that. I thought I’d been over the worst of it when I stopped sweating profusely and when I wasn’t boiling hot all the time. But there’s another side effect that I’m still dealing with today that I don’t talk about very often. I don’t talk about it because it’s a creepy subject. Ever since I got off Risperidone, I’ve been incredibly horny 24/7. I’ve been living in my own head thinking about these elaborate sexual and romantic fantasies while being completely disconnected from the real world. Anytime I’ve had to step outside my own “heaven” as I call it, I’ve been cranky and irritable, even if I’m doing something that’ll benefit my family like doing laundry or going grocery shopping. I was shopping at Safeway one time and I was getting frustrated that I couldn’t go home to my room and…take care of business. But “taking care of business” only keeps the horniness at bay for a short period of time. And then I’m banging on “heaven’s gates” wanting to be let back in. This has been my entire March in 2024. Three poems and a stream-of-consciousness essay came out of it, sure, but not much else beyond that. I haven’t cracked open “Elantris” since early February. I haven’t written a chapter of Rainbow Ranch since January. I haven’t written a chapter of Beautiful Monster since last year. Last! Year! I haven’t drawn a picture since February. Everything is piling up while I’m trapped in my own fucking head. Take it from me: being horny all the time isn’t the kind of fun that most incels and alpha males would make it out to be. It sucks. It absolutely fucking sucks. How much longer do I have to wait for my brain to recalibrate? Patience is not one of my virtues, in case it wasn’t abundantly clear. So if you ask me what my plans are for the day, I’ve got none. My schedule is clear, but my head is not. I’m counting down the days when this bullshit will end. Thanks for listening to me for a while. Sorry if me talking about sex makes you feel uncomfortable.

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After an hour of standing in front of the toilet, Frank passed the world’s bloodiest and most painful kidney stone in existence. It could one day be used as the business end of a morning star.

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Detective Miller placed a comforting hand on top of Francine’s and said, “I’m going to need the links to your revenge porn pictures so that we can gather evidence and put this creep behind bars. Also, I watch Pacific Blue for the riveting drama and I read Playboy for the articles.”

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FIRST STORY: The movie theater was packed with excited kids who couldn’t sit still for the start of the film. But instead of the Warner Brothers Family Entertainment shield flying through the clouds, it was a diseased penis covered in green slime and red sores that oozed yellow pus.


SECOND STORY: Helena screamed through her breathing apparatus as the great white shark swam towards her looking for lunch. She really started kicking her flippers when she saw that the shark was wearing a dental dam over his mouth.

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Well…2023 isn’t over yet, but this is a list of 25 things that either got me through it or will get me through it (hence the list items marked “future”). This was inspired by Innuendo Studios’ 2020 list back in…well…2020. Ever since it’s become a yearly tradition for me. Are you ready? Here we go. And whatever you do…don’t yuck my yum!


  1. Babymetal X Dethklok concert with Jason Richardson opening for them (future)

  2. Callum Markie (not to be confused with calamari)

  3. Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover’s Soul

  4. Conure

  5. Dark Side of the Ring Season 4

  6. Drew McIntyre’s memoir (future)

  7. Final Fantasy Mystic Quest soundtrack

  8. Frank Miller: “Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For”

  9. Ghostbusters: Spectral Shenanigans, Vol. 1

  10. Honest Ads

  11. Keffals

  12. Lo-Fi Chill Music on You Tube

  13. Mason Denver

  14. Minecraft Lego sets

  15. Niko’s 8-Bit Stereo

  16. Nothing More concert with Crown the Empire and Thousand Below opening for them

  17. Optimus Prime Lego set

  18. Rachel Oates: “Reflections on Healing”

  19. Stanzi Potenza

20. Sting concert with his son Joe opening for him (future)

21. Tales From the Hood soundtrack

22. Tears For Fears concert with Cold War Kids opening for them

23. Tool concert (future)

24. Xanderhal

25. Zena & Poppy: Wholesome Degenerates



EDIT: Looks like the Babymetal concert is a no-go after all, unfortunately. I hadn't purchased the tickets yet, but they're more than my budget will allow.

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